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February 13, 2014

4 Things To Do If (Like Me) You Hate Valentine’s Day

As Jay Leno wryly noted on behalf of all men, tomorrow is Extortion Day.

Pic courtesy of STVGlasgow

But you’re free and single. You may not even be a guy. It’s great.  A tingling sense of… irresponsibility. Right? 


As Anton Taylor says in his hilarious Anti-Valentine's Day video, "Valentine’s Day is the day you realise that even if you do have a soul mate, they’re probably living in some obscure Peruvian fishing village and you will never meet them." Your secret fear that you’ll die alone and be eaten and vomited up by your cats is coming true.

So to console you while you plan to drop fake wedding rings into all the women’s glasses, we’ve come up with 4 life-affirming things for you to do this Valentine’s Day.


1. Fire an Assault Rifle 
Gun down hostage negotiators and rat zombies to vent your rage against society with a .223 assault rifle at Gun Fun’s indoor shooting range in Green Market Square. Individual packages go from around R995 (there’s a Valentines Special for 2 for the same price. But don’t think about that. Just think about shooting.) Whip out your James Bond Walter PPK pistol to that soundtrack in your head and headshot some mobsters. Finish off your ex (I mean, the alien invaders) with a pump action shotgun. Girls can get a bright pink .22LR assault rifle or .38 snub nose special. Did we mention they have laser sights?

2. Gorge Yourself at the Lindt Chocolate Factory
Start with velvet-sprayed white-chocolate mousse and mango, follow that up with raspberry and dark-chocolate buttercream macaroons, then hazelnut praline truffles, then milk-chocolate apple frangipane tart, then Gianduja chocolate spread, then make your own chocolate bunny and devour it on the way home.

If only you could do all these Lindt courses and have a chocopocalypse at the Chocolate Studio on a single day! You can’t, which just makes Valentine’s Day worse. But you can gorge yourself on one of these delectable chocolate making courses and then buy yourself some decadent Lindt “gifts” for afterwards, then hog some recipes for the day after that.

3. Make Some Friends
Meet people who don’t know you well enough yet to despise you when you organise a Weaver, a social club that sets up 2 groups of 3 friends for a drink. R79 later, arrive alongside your two equally lonely wing-men or women and get atrociously drunk (the first drink is free) at Neighbourhood, Oblivion or The Foreign Exchange. You’ll never have to see them again.

4. Go To An Anti-Valentine's Party at a “Gentleman’s Club”  
Just dive bomb the entire experience of love with 100 dancers at Mavericks’ Valentine’s Day Party. Girls get in free and Princess Pop, Cape Town’s best drag royalty, will be keeping you amused between tequila shots. Hearts, violins and flowers cannot seriously expect to compete against lingerie, whips and the possibility that this 6 foot blonde really does have a crush on you. Find out more.

Discover more about Gun Fun at:  www.gunfun.co.za
Discover more about Lindt Chocolate Studio at:  www.chocolatestudio.co.za
Discover more about Weaver at: www.joinweaver.co.za

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